Another One Bites the Dust (RIP Baby Face)

It always starts so promising, doesn’t it? The spark, the connection, the potential for something that feels different - special, even. This time it was ‘Baby Face’ (from my last blog), and I actually thought this one might have stuck. But here I am, post-debrief, chalking it up as another lesson in my romantic saga. ANOTHER fucking lesson!! I’m ready to graduate this school already!!

What went wrong? Well, I’ve been doing some serious self-reflection (as you do when you’re staring at your ceiling at 2 am, replaying every word of your last interaction). And the truth is, it wasn’t just Baby Face - though his immediate exit to the "block and delete" hall of fame didn’t help. It was me. My past, my fears, my shit.

This was the first time I’d felt anything real for someone since the breakdown of my big love earlier this year. January feels both like yesterday and a lifetime ago, and for months I’ve been wading through the emotional void, wondering if I’d ever feel anything again. And then Baby Face showed up - this charming, intelligent, interesting guy who made me feel. And maybe I jumped in too quickly because I was so relieved to feel something, anything.

But here’s the part I have to own: I have trust issues. Big ones. I’ve been lied to, let down and left behind in every relationship I’ve had, and those scars don’t just fade because someone new comes along. I can’t really pinpoint anything he did wrong. He told me how he felt, he reassured me and he made an effort to be open - but I think he got tired of constantly reassuring me when he felt like he’d already been transparent and honest. He probably didn’t know what else he could say or do to convince me that he was into me. Fair enough.

When it felt like Baby Face was pulling away, it was like those old wounds started screaming, “Here we go again!” Suddenly, I couldn’t tell if my instincts were warning me to be cautious or if my fear of being hurt again was twisting every interaction into something it wasn’t. Was I right to feel uneasy, or have I just forgotten how to trust people altogether? I still don’t know.

And that’s the hard thing about trust issues - they make you second guess everything, including yourself. For me, that means I crave reassurance. Constantly. I need to feel safe, seen and heard, and when I don’t, I spiral. I get needy. I push for connection when maybe I should take a step back. And while I know that about myself, knowing it doesn’t always mean fixing it in the moment.

The problem? My need for assurance doesn’t always align with someone else’s need for space, and I think that’s what happened here. I leaned in too hard, too fast and Baby Face felt overwhelmed. But while I’m learning to own my part in it, I also refuse to apologise for being deeply emotional. It’s not a flaw - it’s my strength. Yes, it means I feel everything more - joy, pain, rejection - but it also means I love fiercely, honestly and without pretense. And while that might be "a lot" for some people, I know that for the right person, it will be exactly enough.

So, what’s the takeaway here? Maybe it’s this: we’re all a work in progress. Your past doesn’t have to define your future, but it’s okay if it shapes you. Relationships are hard, especially when you're trying to break patterns and heal old wounds. And yeah, sometimes you’ll meet someone who seems so promising, only to realise you’re not on the same page - or even in the same book. That’s life, and it’s messy.

To Baby Face: Thanks for the memories, the great sex and for making me realise I wasn’t numb after all. And to anyone else out there carrying their own shit into new beginnings: don’t stop trying. Don’t stop feeling. Because one day, hopefully someone will show up who doesn’t see your emotions as "too much" but as exactly what they’ve been looking for.

Here’s to the next chapter, I guess (and working on my trust issues).